It's not a communication issue...

Most couples show up to therapy under the assumption that they can’t communicate. And they’re not wrong—many couples truly do struggle to communicate effectively.

But here’s the deeper truth: it’s not only that couples don’t know how to communicate. Often, they don’t know what to communicate in the first place.

Why? Because unresolved trauma and pain distort the message of the heart.

When you’ve been hurt—whether in childhood, past relationships, or even within your marriage—your nervous system learns to protect you from further harm. The problem is, those protective patterns end up hijacking your conversations. Instead of expressing what’s really going on inside, you communicate through defense and fear.

• Instead of sadness, you express rage.

• Instead of vulnerability, you show manipulation or withdrawal.

• Instead of a longing for connection, you communicate control.

Get the picture?

You may be fighting over chores, parenting, or finances—but underneath, there’s usually something much deeper that’s trying to be heard: a need for safety, acceptance, or love.

So before communication can get better in terms of the “how”—tone of voice, timing, active listening, and all the techniques—you have to first understand the “what”: What is my heart actually trying to say? What do I truly need to convey to my spouse right now?

Exploring those deeper emotions and stories can feel messy and uncomfortable. Trauma work often is. But this is where genuine healing begins.

If you want to give your marriage a better chance at real connection, both partners must be willing to enter each other’s stories—to listen not just to words, but to the wounds and longings beneath them.

Communication isn’t just about learning new skills. It’s about learning to speak the truth of your heart—and to make space for your partner’s heart, too. That’s where intimacy, understanding, and lasting change begin.