It starts with you ! By Angel Perez, MA

It is easy to be married and, at times, view your spouse as the main problem in the relationship, especially during crises. Many people feel as though their spouse is their enemy, constantly causing them hurt. You may be struggling right now with deep and complex emotions stemming from your spouse’s behaviors or perhaps a long history of negative interactions that have created a cycle of disappointment and despair.

I want to acknowledge how profoundly these negative interactions have impacted you. However, it’s important to recognize that how you respond to and process these situations can be as harmful as the situations themselves. You hold the capacity to either make challenges manageable or exacerbate them to the point of being intolerable. The changes your marriage needs must begin with you.

When people hear this for the first time, it often provokes a knee-jerk reaction of discomfort or anger, accompanied by thoughts like, “It starts with me? We’re in this situation because of HIS/HER attitude and behaviors!” I understand where you’re coming from, and your perspective is valid and important. At the same time, it’s essential to realize that focusing solely on your perspective is only part of the truth. To understand the full picture, you must be willing to consider the entire story.

The complete story is this: in every marriage, there are two contributors. To see real change in your marriage, you must take ownership of your contribution. Whether your share of the issue is thirty percent or eighty percent, the only part you can control is your own. The real question is: Are you willing to start this healing journey by committing to focus on your role? If your answer is yes—even if it comes with some discomfort—you are already on the right path.